Controlling Feelz

I had always envisioned the notion of “controlling behaviour” as externally focused. We see it all around us in different forms. Maybe a manipulative partner who controls their lovers credit card, or an overbearing boss strutting around the office with gleeful ego exuding from his micro-penis.

MENTAL HEALTH SELF LOVE SOCIETY

feelzpodcast

2021-08-19 3 min read

Welcome to another bloody blog fam. Do you ever sit there percolating on what it means to be human in the emotional haemorrhoid that is a global pandemic? For me, all of the behavioural bits and bobs feel amplified during these lockdowns. I have noticed in myself a few new approaches to existing. As I sit on my big gorjus anus, I reflect on a new daily practice that’s cropped up through regular lockdowns; the art of controlling behaviour. 


C O N T R O L. 


I had always envisioned the notion of “controlling behaviour” as externally focused. We see it all around us in different forms. Maybe a manipulative partner who controls their lovers credit card, or an overbearing boss strutting around the office with gleeful ego exuding from his micro-penis. 


My day to day control is not tied up in trying to administer other people.


I have surrendered to the fact that the people in my life are wild, ambivalent turkeys. And like a turkey no amount of projection will enable them to conform (this analogy is perplexing but I refuse to re-write another animal k).

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What is at the BASE of controlling behaviour though hun?  For me it seems to be a lot of frothy fears within my soul. I fear my partner won’t get a permit into the state of Victoria to join me in starting our family, thus I try to control every minuscule outcome along the way, “find a house, put her on the lease, analyse the issue, worry about the issue, form a tight anus resulting in constipation” Then it’s time to find the next thing to stress about. Like most adults, I hate my job - easy target. The dialogue follows again, “Apply for other jobs, fret over my professional self worth, I have no friends on LinkedIn, oh I don’t have LinkedIn. Where’s my lavender oil? What time is it?”.

We have incredible imaginations. We come up with the most beautiful scenarios in our minds. Do you ever listen to a song that reminds you of your crush? Nek minit inside of your mind, you’re both enjoying a cheese board with wine, before performing the perfect post-platter gobby? We can have wonderful grounding moments in the realms of our imagination. In turn, whilst protecting ourselves we often imagine the worst, because we want to be prepared for the worst. We know that operating from fear heightens our senses and overall awareness, thus ensuring we thrive in our social pack of 8 billion people. 

It’s a tricky game, as at times our fear based predictions are fairly off tilt. Sometimes “the worst” is not so bad and sometimes… well, it is more painful than we could have imagined. The universe has a spirit which is ultimately indifferent. Therefore, what is the point in trying to predict and control the future? 

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Me recently (Aug 2021). Percolating in isolated quarantine & fighting the ol' fear based thoughts.

My ultimate goal is to become a hopeful realist. Being a realist is not a shitty outlook, it can be a very valuable skill. If you know you have a challenging task ahead, it’s good to be prepared and avoid underplaying the outcomes in favour of avoidance. We just need to be mindful of how much emotional input is useful when dealing with our fears. Likewise, fostering hope and leaning into the idea of something lovely happening to us - that’s also a fab cognitive quality for our emotional development.

Checking the case numbers everyday does not empower me, and most certainly compounds my sense of helplessness. However - journalling, walking, sipping, dipping and nipping at cheese increases my sense of empowerment in a big way. In addition, I have trialled reducing my media consumption over the past four days and already feel a weight off my chest. When I am consuming media, I am becoming more aware as to what media I choose to indulge. I am aiming for a balanced diet of media that challenges or excites me, as opposed to draining me (i.e. that Netflix docco on the octopus that becomes friends with the man in the ocean, my gawd the HAPPY TEARZ). 


As you know, Feelz is all about feeling yo’ feelings in a way that works for you. I am not here to be prescriptive. I am simply a gal in the globe, navigating the gorgeous hurricane of existence. What fills your spiritual nooks and crannies? Sex, exercise or observational memes? Write a wee list out and try scheduling some time for these joys. You deserve it boo. 

Xoxoxox Breezy

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This shit got me in my feelings.