Am I depressed or just lazy af?

It takes so much self-awareness to identify depressive symptoms within yourself, so if you’ve found this blog amidst that journey - huge props to you my friend. You’ve taken the first step in turning this crappy beige kayak around.

MENTAL HEALTH DEPRESSION

feelzpodcast

2021-06-19 5 min read

My life is a modern day treasure hunt of emotions. What’s on the emotional agenda this afternoon? Perhaps contentment, apathy, or a little bit of lady wood (I have been bingeing Mare of Easttown, Kate hun 🔥).

I know you can relate as your life also requires navigating a treasure map of emotional gold. Along the way, have you ever plonked right into a stretch of depression without even realising? I bloody have.

Perhaps more often than I care to realise. 

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Life is so hectic. 

I know I have spoken about this time and time again across many episodes. You’re wishing I would stop banging on like a bongo drum, but bongo drums are underrated and so too is Feelz so PLZ strap in for some wisdom.

The weeks within my life are so god damn busy I struggle to differentiate between laziness and depression often. Each day I get up at 5.20am, write 30 minutes of morning pages, walk my dog, wash my box, grab a coffee, head to the train, die at the gym, fall in line for 7.5 hours, return home and then try to figure out a way to re-engage some energy to actually enjoy life. 

Often times this plan goes to flop because my brain is so exhausted from all the lyf (meetings vs reports vs project management vs dsabhjasdjh). It's the end of the day. My couch calls to me, it wolf whistles at my ass and urges me into its lush, soft cushions. As I plonk my bum onto the couch, my entire being is soothed. 

Out of nowhere, I hear this wee inner child rolling her tiny eyes at the base of my soul, “Get UP Nong! Did you know I am not aspiring to this? Do something!”

Damn. She is right. When did I become so lazy? As I ponder over yonder, I recall that I have almost completed my post-grad in psychotherapy alongside five years of mental health experience. Should I whack my practitioner hat on to solve this dilemma?
I do not. 

I opt for ruminating across several days, sipping a glass of plonk whilst I snicker at my dog for having a Utopian life within his non-human existence.

Once I got my victim vibe out of the way, I finally investigated this issue of self imposed laziness. What is the difference between laziness and depression?

For me it’s pretty overt.

Laziness = not a real thing.
Depression = hopelessness.

“Excuse me you wisdom-like dickhead, I have a teenage son you know. I think laziness is a real thing doll”, one reader chimes in not at all. There’s a social psychologist called Devon Price who has studied the concept of laziness at length. 

“If a person can’t get out of bed, something is making them exhausted. If a student isn’t writing papers, there’s some aspect of the assignment that they can’t do without help. If an employee misses deadlines constantly, something is making organisation and deadline-meeting difficult. Even if a person is actively choosing to self-sabotage, there’s a reason for it — some fear they’re working through, some need not being met, a lack of self-esteem being expressed.” - Devon Price.

Even the most despondent people have encountered something in their life that they enjoy doing. For example, my sixteen year old brother playing video games for 8+ hours may be "deemed lazy" by the masses. After all, he often prioritises this over completing his essays. Though at the same time he is passionate about gaming. In fact, he’s quite skilled at this craft after lengthy sessions in front of the x-box (apparently he could earn up to $6.9 Million off one gaming tournament should he ever turn this lazy-ass hobby into a lazy-ass career).

I tend to agree with Price. All prior stints of laziness for me have in effect been moments of procrastination. Primarily caused by avoiding a thing because it sucks (phoning optus, phoning AGL, phoning anyone). Or the more commonplace, feeling paralysed to take action because I may fail the task (recording feelz, performing improv, posting this blog).

Sometimes I want to get out of bed, to connect with others and enjoy my day. Even so, I still cannot quite execute the goals I’ve committed to. That right thurr would be an example of me procrastinating. 

If I am not keen to get out of bed, if any activity seems completely pointless and I cannot articulate why. I am experiencing depression. 

It takes so much self-awareness to identify depressive symptoms within yourself, so if you’ve found this blog amidst that journey - huge props to you my friend. You’ve taken the first step in turning this crappy beige kayak around. 

The other day my best gal-pal and I were chatting on the phone. We kept discussing how we wanted to be creative, we yearned to make art and comedy. We continued circling back to this same phrase of, “what’s the fucking point though?”. This is the first time both her and I have been in this loop together. We then began discussing how we both feel like tourists in our own towns, how we feel we do not belong anywhere in this world, like lost wee souls. 

 “Ahm.. Mate. I think we might be depressed”. The moment I said it was so relieving. How could I have missed this? It was an empowering realisation. I have a framework to lean on now. I know what to do from here. Though for others, the realisation can be overwhelming and confusing. 

If you have realised that you’re not lazy but going through the symptoms of depression, there are so many avenues you can go down from here. Avenues to help you to feel more in balance between contentment and apathy. If you’d like a chat, my favourite helpline in Australia is the SANE Help Centre. They can be a little busy on occasion, but if you book a call they’ll phone you back at an allocated time. In NZ, there’s the Depression Helpline on 0800 111 757 as well as https://depression.org.nz/ , a great website with outlined wellbeing tools for a range of kiwis.

Above everything, you’re not in this alone. Please continue to connect with me via Feelz Podcast and the gram, this is a space to openly feel all of our fucking feelings, so don’t be a stranger! At Feelz we’re about the peaks and the troughs. Sometimes life is epic and delicious, other times its a pain in the ballsack. We need the downs as much as we do the ups, even if it does not make sense right this minute. Remember you are more empowered than you’ll ever know, you’re always in control of your momentum in this world (and your momentum is needed).

I hope you enjoyed another bloggy bloggerson. Don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter.

Xoxoxo breezy

P.P.S When we are anxious or depressed it can change the way we think, feel and act. Dealing with the shit times can be hard but you’re not alone. Take a small step by reaching out to someone you trust. If you feel like things are getting really hard, please reach out to Lifeline on 13 11 44 or your local emergency services. 

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This shit got me in my feelings.